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| Wow! Almost a month since I last wrote! lol Well, hope everyone had a good New Years. Adam and I hung out at my house, tortured the dogs w/noisy things, and just relaxed.  It was nice. I'm still looking for a part time job... I've applied at about 10 places now. I have great references, I don't understand! It's really frusterating! Next place is a temp placement thing... I have a good one in mind, so we'll see...
Adam and I have been really stressed lately...  I think a lot of it is me. I'm not as romantic, cuddly, lovey as I used to be. I think a lot of it is my past... So much has happened to hurt me that I'm kinda numb you could say. I know my meds don't help any... A close family friend used to take the same meds and said she noticed a change in her romantic wise like I'm having - it's a side effect. So I'm trying to go down to taking it every 2 days instead of every other day to see if that helps. It is making me nausous as a side effect, but that shouldn't last forever. Adam said he noticed I've been more edgy since I went down to every 2 days, but we're gonna give it some time and see what happens... I just want to be "normal" again. I want to feel normal and not like I do. I don't know... It's just so frusterating and upsetting. And I know it's causing more stress for us, but I don't know what else to do! I want us to be happy like we should be. I feel so bad but I'm stuck. Just keep praying is all I can do now I guess... I hate feeling hopeless......  | | |
| It's been awhile, but I've been too lazy to write. lol Hope you all had a great Christmas! I know I did! Let's see... Went over to Adam's Grandma's on Christmas Eve. It was his family, Grandma, and Becky and Bill (Aunt and Uncle). I was very surprised to get gifts from Becky and Bill! I got a cute bracelet and earrings and an adorable purse with body wash and lotion in it. I got a beautiful picture frame from his grandma with 2 spots for 4x6 pics. I can't wait to put it up! Christmas morning after we opened gifts at our own houses Adam came over and we opened gifts over here. He loved what I got him - 2 shirts, a cool knife, and a cross and chain. Of course I loved what he got me too!  A horse charm, a "rolly" ring, heart pendant and heart earrings. Also got me and Stormy a curb chain that matches her bridle (finally). lol And Dakota and I a collapseable water bowl w/water bottle carrier for our hikes. Later I went over to his house b/c his whole family was over and opened more presents. I got a stocking with some stuff in it and a cool hoody from his parents that says "Live to Ride, Ride to Live". Of course I loved what my family got me too - a bunch of clothes (some I had picked out lol), candy, makeup, etc...
Today all my family is coming over for dinner around 6. That should be interesting to say the least! lol It's all good though. We'll have fun! Hope you all have a great New Years!
Here's a few pics. Didn't come out the best, but all well... 
The first ring is an onyx ring my dad got me. The other ring is the "rolly" ring from Adam and the bracelet from Becky. Some reason the camera didn't want to focus on them...
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| I don't know what it is lately, but so many
things have been making me think... A song I hear, something someone
says, a tv show, etc. Sometimes it seems nothing at all triggers it -
my mind just starts going. I hate it! I hate this time of year! It
brings back too many bad memories. Which just trigger more memories. I
wish there was a way to stop it, but I can't. Nothing seems to work and
each time the memories or thoughts just depress me more and more. Don't
get me wrong, I'm very happy right now! I care about Adam greatly! He's
my best friend and everything I could ask for! Sometimes more! But that
doesn't stop the hurt... It doesn't make it go away. I'd love to say it
does, but I can't... I'll be in the car on the way to work and a song
will come on. One that triggers thoughts, feelings, memories and as
hard as I try I can't stop it. At times to the point of tearing up...
Why can't I just forget it all?! Why can't I ignore the hurt?! I am so
sick of this! Yeah I've heard it all before "just don't think about
it", "you're better off with out him" (that I won't argue), "it just
takes time".... I DON'T CARE! None of it stops the hurt! It's not just
one that hurts me.... There's 2. There's 2 that bring back bad
thoughts, painful feelings, memories I've tried to forget, bad dreams.
And the part that really hurts - I don't think either feel bad about
it. Just once I'd like to see one of them show remorse - say something
to make me feel better - anything! Just to know I'm not the only one
that was hurt by what they did... I've thought about moving so I don't
have to see them or hear about them anymore, but that doesn't stop the
memories. Nothing will but time. But how much time? (Gotta love that
unanswerable question!) How long before I break down in front of closed
doors? Say I'm a drama queen, melodramatic, a big baby, call
me names - I don't care! No one but me and maybe a one or two others
know what I have been through. And come to think of it - they only know
one of the 2! Only a couple people know what I've had to go through to
get some of my life back too. And it wasn't all my doing that that had
to happen... Yeah, I've been dumped before and was fine. It's what
happened these times, how things were done, what was done or not
done - that's what is "killing" me. That's what hurts the most.
There are so many songs that come to mind right now! Of how I feel
("One Solitary Tear") and how I want to feel ("Where It Used To
Break"). I just wish I knew what to do... P.U.S.H.
I know some of you reading this right
now may not understand where I'm coming from. That's ok. It's probably
better that way... I know one person reading this may be hurt - please
don't be. I wouldn't trade what we are for the world! You have done
more than I could have asked for ("I Could Not Ask For More") and been
there for me anytime I've ever needed you! I love you for that and will
keep on loving you. You are understanding even when you don't want to
be, or don't know how to be. That's all I ask - just understand I need
to write sometimes... Just know I love you even if it's hard for me to
say at times...
"Jesus Take The Wheel" - Carrie Underwood | | |
| Friday - Adam had an interview w/Cleveland Construction about a co-op - and got it! So we went out to Olive Garden to celebrate with Jon and Rachel that night. It was a lot of fun. I took off work that morning b/c the weather sucked, so it was nice to get out. I wasn't feeling the best though and had a migraine when we got home. Think it was the wine... That part sucked. I took my meds and just passed out.
Saturday was not cool! A lady was supposed to come see one of the ponies at 2. So I got out there about 1pm, cleaned her up, and did a few other things while I waited... About 2:15 I called the lady, but whoever answered didn't know where she was or anything. So I waited around, talked to a couple boarders, did a few other things, then decided to leave at 4pm. I was not happy! I just wasted a whole day for nothing! I don't work on Saturdays either, but rearranged things so I could for her! So I emailed her when I got home but still haven't heard from her... I had to go get dad at the airport later so I wasn't able to go do much of anything else...Ok, can you get any more inconsiderate?! 
Sunday we went to church then a family dinner (Adam's family). Just relaxed the rest of the day. Today I about killed myself. lol I went to work and did a lot there. Then went and took care of my horse. Well I was already beat and hungry, but decided to work her. After that, I came home and shoveled the driveway. Needless to say I was ready to just fall over from exhaustion (and hunger)! I am still very beat. And kinda sore too lol All well, you'll have that! Luckily this should be an easy week..... | | |
| Well, Adam and I have been very busy. We got started on my showcase for my shot glasses, but then got busy so we haven't finished it. It's about 1/2 - 3/4 done. We were trail riding a lot b/c the weather had gotten so nice. Good thing to - it's cold out now! lol Mom and I went shopping last Wed. I got Adam a kinda early Christmas present that I gave to him the next day. It's a t-shirt that says "Bah Humbug" on it. He loved it!  I have one that says "Dear Santa, I can explain...". lol
So it's almost been 3wks since Andy smashed my foot. The bruise is almost 100% gone (top of my foot is still a little sore). I stopped taking the meds after about wk, and well the shoe... Let's not go there.  My boss has also informed of my next "project"... He wants me to break Andy and Rosie to drive. Rosie's doing awesome so far!  She is such a good girl! Andy, well, all he does is fight me. I already tried to break him to ride (fine until you try to get on his back - he flips out no matter how many times I try it) and we decided that wasn't going to happen. I've tried telling my boss that Andy really isn't going to be good for anything, but he still wants to try. He's starting to realize it, but slowly...
I don't know. I love horses. I love training them. But I'm wondering if this is what I really want to do for the rest of my life. It looks like I'm stuck with it b/c I can't seem to find another job anywhere. I have good references and prior retail work experience, so I don't understand... Just keep praying something turns up!
Alright, I've ranted enough for now. Hope you all have a good Thanksgiving! Adam's going w/me this year on the traditional Thanksgiving trail ride in the morning. I just hope it's not too crappy out. lol | | |
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